Adventures of the Cafeterian Empirium!
by StarShadowNLR
Summary: Princess Celestia's virginity has been stolen by an evil mastermind and is now being sold on the black market! It's up to our "heroes" to get Celestia's virginity back!


**Authors note: I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, the My Little Pony franchise or Hasbro. Please note that this Fan-fiction is designed to be terrible but laughable. Hope you enjoy!**

Ah yes, the Everfree Forest. Home of the Timberwolves 'n stuff. But, this time of year, it is also home to another thing. A small pathway used by the Breezies ever year or something, No one really cares. But something is different this time. There are little tiny pools of blood along the trail. Let's go see what's happening!

Periwinkle ran as fast as she could, she would fly but her wings are broken due to these "monsters" hunting her. She knew she was the only Breezie left. Soon, there would be no more of the species. She flew into a nearby hallow log hoping to wait out these beasts reign of terror. She began to think of her now deceased family, and how nobody would remember them because they were Breezies. She knew that she would soon join them. After a short wait, she began to cry. This was a bad move on her part because it let these "monsters" know where she is.

-CRASH-

A large fore hoof from one of these beasts came crashing down into the opposite end of the log. There was no escaping now. She attempted to beg for mercy but since her language was just gibberish, the beast set its fore hoof down right on top of her.

-SQUISH-

It was done. The last Breezie in existence was dead and now nobody would have to deal with them anymore. Espionage let out a sigh of relief. No more Breezies. He raised a hoof to his mouth and yelled out, "Everyone! It's all clear, no more Breezies!" Shortly after, two ponies came out of the brush. Blitzkrieg, a strong, brown, Pegasus, had Breezie wings in a nice ornate necklace. It actually looked quite nice on the stallion. Star Shadow, the pony next him, was a matte black Pegasus who could even rival the speed of the legendary Rainbow Dash. He commented on how many Breezies he had killed in the last five minutes alone. "I killed like twenty of them!" "No you didn't, you were hiding behind a tree the whole time!" Blitzkrieg replied. They continued over to where Espionage was waiting.

Several hours pass with nothing to do, so the group of ponies had a nice picnic and a long overdue D-club meeting. Three minutes after the meeting had ended; Star Story, a bright orange earth pony, and Rarity, The owner of Carousel Boutique make their way through the bushes and arrive at the picnic. "Sorry we're late everypony, had to finish up a date with Rarity. It won't happen again!" He said, out of breath due to the fact he had been running the whole trip up to the clearing. Star Shadow put down his cup of water and said, "Good, now let's get down to business." But before he could say another thing, there was a blinding light. It was so bright, everyone was sure the sun went supernova. But there was a pleasant voice in the light. "I am Athena, Greek goddess of wisdom and battle strategy. I have come with a quest for you." The light faded, and merged into the beautiful Rarity was a tall bipedal creature. Rarity, like in video games whenever an item gets stuck in another, began to vibrate horribly until finally exploding from the great pressure, Spreading blood and organs all over her coltfriend. Star Story stood there, unflinching. They all did. Nobody even noticed Rarity had disappeared.

"I am Athena. I bring you news of a major catastrophe in Canterlot." The ponies looked on, waiting to hear what the goddess had to say. "Princess Celestia's virginity has been stolen by Doctor Generic Villain and his assistant Professor Hymen." Blitzkrieg stood and asked, "What does this have to do with us?" Athena patted him on the head. "You are the heroes that will get it back. Gather a team. You must go to Ponyville and speak to Plumpers The Pegasus. He will help you gather this team. Good luck my little ponies!" There was another blinding light, and she was gone. Espionage was first to speak. "We know what we must do." After repacking the picnic into their saddle bags, they ran as fast as they could to Ponyville. They would do anything for the princess.


End file.
